You do realize don't you that Jesus knew what he was getting into when he made the decision to love you? He knew you before you were born. He knew you as you were knit together in your mother's womb. He knew you as he examined your days and laid down his plans for the decisions you would make. He knew you as you took your first breath under the loving stares of your parents. He knew you when you took your first act against him. He knew you in your full rebellion and he knew it all before he took the cross for you. He knew it even when he made the decision to love you.
So why would you think that he would hold any good thing from you? Why would you think you are abandoned; unloved; alone?
You are far from alone.
It may be that in your stubbornness that you can't see him. It may be in your insistence on doing things on your own that you can't hear him. It may be in your demand to have it your way that you can't feel that he is right there with you, but he is. He definitely is and he is hoping you win.
Sure, Jesus detests sin but it didn't stop him from showing grace to the adulterous woman when everyone else wanted her dead. Jesus didn't want her dead. He wanted her forgiven and free from sin. He knows your sin too but it doesn't stop him from loving you, desiring the best for you; it doesn't stop him from showing you grace or for desiring you to be freed from the power of sin. He's on your side. He wants you to succeed. He wants you to win.
If you knew the Word of God he would speak more plainly to you. He would remind you of what he has said and done. The Spirit would comfort and encourage you. He would lift you up off the floor and say "Dance with me". But just because you have neglected his Word doesn't mean he is not speaking to you now.
He is all around you, using everything at his disposal to grab your attention, to show you his beauty, love and glory. If only you would desire to see him, you would. If only you would seek his face, you would find him. If only you would let go of the insanity of your life, he would catch you.
He's the potter and you are the clay. If you would realize that you would stop fighting against him and allow him to shape you into what he created you to be. Just stop the insanity and say to him "Have your way Jesus". Stop fighting and surrender to his love. Just look at him, what he has done and promised, and make the decision to trust his love.
Nothing you have done surprises him. Nothing you have done lessens his love for you. Nothing you have done changes his desire for you to win. But you have to make the decision to trust.