I can't stay silent anymore.
Miscarriage is hard.
Allow me to start with saying that God blessed us with 2 beautiful children; our gorgeously independent Amelia and socially adventurous Jude. They bring so much joy to us and their 9 other half siblings.
Raising children is no easy task and you have to give it all you got and more. Without allowing God's correction in us we will only continue to fail as parents.
Each child is precious and a gift from God. Each little baby has a purpose in this life. There is a reason they were put in our lives and we can't allow ourselves to think otherwise.
This is why I am pro-life. Pro-life and we always leave it open for God to decide when we should be blessed once again. With that decision we don't work towards having more little ones, but we give God the control. Many would disagree with this decision claiming we are selfish to allow so many children into this world. Selfish because my husband is older and won't be around for them. Even my own family has their own words they speak about us. But the way I see the real selfishness is in not allowing those who were meant to be born into this world because it is not convenient to our lives; not enough money to support, not enough time to care for them, can't go on vacation, and so on.
We have decided to give up all our wants in life to allow God to use us to bring forth His people. Psalm 127:3-5 says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."
I'm not writing this to condemn anyone. Only to try and help you as the reader understand our decision.
Bringing it back to the beginning, miscarriage is hard. I've gone through 4.
Maybe you've never experienced one or maybe you've experienced more. Let me tell you, it sucks. Plain and simple. I'd never wish that upon even my worst enemy. I've actually had people, family even, tell us that well maybe God knew that we just couldn't handle more. But my husband and I believe that according to Scripture the Lord gives us the strength to walk through everything.
I recently went through my 4th miscarriage. We didn't try to get pregnant. We were blessed to find out we were. The hardest part was to still praise Him as I laid in that bed in tremendous emotional and physical pain; to stand up and declare that He is still my God, to announce He is good.
The pain is still there. Praising Him doesn't take the pain away, but gives Him the opportunity to help us grow. To grow stronger in Him.
I mourn for those 4 precious babies that we never had the chance to meet. I know without a doubt that one day we will, but all I wanted was to see them and hold them; to show them how much joy they brought us even if it was for a short while. I wanted to shower love on them. We were stripped of the chance.
As I sit here trying to write this, the tears just can't be contained. It may sound silly, but I miss them. We never met but I carried them in my womb. They grew there. For some reason they also died there. I can ask why, but where would that get me?
I trust God. In all things I trust Him. I lift my hands and continue to give Him control because He knows best. Not man. I don't take the pill. I don't leave the choice up to man, I leave it to our God. The pill may take away the pain of miscarriage, but it also strips God of control to bless us with those He wants us to have. He opens and closes the womb. We see this all through Genesis.
Again, miscarriage is hard, but my God is in control.