Recently I had the privilege of staying with my 90 year old mother while my father was in hospital. Aging well has been my constant theme in the last few years so I paid careful attention to my mother’s daily routine and attitude as I helped care for her needs. I want to share with you a few of the lessons she taught me.
Let me start by saying, my mother is no ordinary woman. Married to a navy sailor who was absent for lengthy periods of time, she had to learn to provide for herself and her children. Back in the day when it was not normal for a woman to work outside of her home, she became a very successful business woman. She was extremely active juggling many different activities. Today I think she would have been diagnosed as ADHD, and reflects this even in her activities at 90 years of age.
My mom was a firecracker until she turned eighty-five. That’s when the signal between her brain and her legs broke down. She struggles to walk to the bathroom and must use a walker or even a wheelchair. She went from 200 km/h to 10 km/h overnight. But my mom is not so easily discouraged.
This is what I observed in my stay with her:
First, don’t stop. You have to keep moving. The easiest thing to do is to sit back. “Hey, we have worked all our lives, we deserve some sofa time.” This attitude won’t get us far into our senior years. As we retire what we do will change but the doing shouldn’t stop. My mom dove into her crafting head first, making incredible things to give away to people. My mom and dad traveled, made new friends, pursued new interests, and learned new things. But people were always at the center of everything and my mom spent her days following up with and checking on her friends from all over North America. Some of this changed when the legs stopped working, but there were lessons for me here too.
Second, when you can’t do everything, do something. When my mom’s legs went, my dad had to take over a lot of things, like the cooking and cleaning. But my mom didn’t focus on what she couldn’t do. She let go of those things, for the most part, and turned to what she could do. She loved her puzzles and the crafts. She enjoyed calling friends and family to check on them and give some encouragement. Birthday cards were her passion. I only speak in the past tense because the lack of physical activity started affecting even these activities, and here again were more lessons for me.
Third, when you can’t do the whole thing, do the part you can. One year when I was visiting with my parents I started to clean up after a meal. My father warned me to leave the dishes alone or I would get scolded by mom. That was her job that she jealously protected. She couldn’t cook or bake any more but she could load the dishwasher and no one was going to take that away from her. She can no longer load the dishwasher but I observed that she has the same attitude with other tasks like laundry. She can't physically do the laundry but she insisted on sorting it into the proper groupings for washing. It took her a long time to do it but she did it. This again led to another lesson.
Fourth, fight for the right to live. People like me have the best of intentions when I come to visit. I want my mom to sit back and relax while I take care of her. Good intentions but wrong attitude. I heard a senior addressing other seniors on this topic and she told them not to allow someone to rob them of the things that they can do and that they enjoy doing. The example given was of an 85 year old man who enjoyed and was capable of mowing his lawn. A well intentioned neighbour ended up robbing him of this pleasure. My mom has limited abilities but she has abilities and those things get her up in the morning. They are things she looks forward to doing. They fill her days with a sense of purpose. And here I want to come in and rob her of that, not even knowing I am doing so.
The easiest thing for a caregiver is to take the fast road. I can get my mom to the bathroom in thirty seconds with the wheelchair. With her walker it takes twenty minutes. But the wheelchair robs her of her independence. It also robs her of exercise and will cause her health and abilities to decline just to convenience how I care for her. But my mom fights for herself. She insists on as much independence as she can manage. She also insists on managing those who are there to support her.
On my last night of my stay with her she insisted that she wanted to go shopping. She didn’t need anything but she had come up with a list of “essential” supplies that she said she was low on. My mom was always an avid shopper. She insisted with me that it had been two years since she had been to a store. The truth was she had gone out shopping a couple of weeks ago. But I was exhausted and just wanted an evening to sit with her. She looked at me square in the face and said, “If you take me shopping you will be my hero.” Tell me, what son can refuse that? I loaded her in the car and the wheelchair in the trunk and off we went. My mom and I had a grand adventure exploring the remote recesses of the department store.
The last thing I will mention is the most important. My mom is a woman of faith. She has never been perfect and failed in many ways. She doesn’t have the greatest knowledge of the Bible but she has the most important things. She has never stopped loving Jesus or trusting him. Her prayers have carried her kids through a lot of things. She has never stopped loving people, never stopped forgiving and believing in what Jesus wants to do in them. This is her motivation in all things, her love for God and her love for people. Jesus promised us abundant life and she takes him at his word every day. She has lived a full and productive life.
If you ask me the secret to aging well it is simple : despite the obstacles in your health and circumstance, don’t stop. And don’t let anyone else make you stop. And don’t let anyone rob you of what you can do when you no longer are able to do all things. Live. Love. Laugh. Don’t let go! Hold on. Fight for every inch of life and live it as large as you can for as long as you can.
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