How To Handle A Parent

Those of you who may be having a tough time with your parents, I have a bit of advice: Cut them some slack. I know you aren't happy right now; they've gotten after you for something or they always seem to be on your case but I want to explain something to you about them. It may not always seem it but they love you. It's just that being your parent is a heavy responsibility. They feel the entire weight of your future, of your education, of what you will become. They know the mistakes they have made and they are desperately trying to keep you from repeating them. Yes, you are your own person, different from them, but parents are not super beings, just human and you are a major focus in their life.

They want so much for you to get this right. They are honestly afraid that they haven't done a good job in the early years, like they messed up by forgetting to teach you important stuff, and now they are worried you are going to make the wrong decisions because of their mess ups. They have been the major influence in your life and now you are shifting away from them and relying more on your friends, which is a very scary thing for parents.

Maybe you can understand it if we looked at the relationship between a pastor and his congregation. His life is given for those people, in that he is there to serve them, to help with guidance and to train them to become mature Christians. He constantly prayers for them, is involved with them, is part of their lives in such major events as birth, marriage, and death. It is very hard for him when he sees other influences, negative influences pulling them away from the source of all things, Jesus, and leading them to destruction. We can see into the heart of a parent as we consider Paul's words to the Galatians:

 ¹⁷ Those people are zealous to win you over, but for no good. What they want is to alienate you from us, so that you may be zealous for them. ¹⁸It is fine to be zealous, provided the purpose is good, and to be so always and not just when I am with you. ¹⁹ My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you, ²⁰ how I wish I could be with you now and change my tone, because I am perplexed about you! (Galatians 4:17-20)

Perplexed is a good word. There are a lot of perplexed pastors out there and a ton of perplexed parents. An experienced pastor can see all the danger signs and will do everything he can to allow God to be a stronger influence through him to keep his people from taking the wrong path. Parents often find themselves in this same position, trying to remain a strong influence in their child's life, hoping to prevent them from the wrong paths. Parents have the responsibility of training their children into mature adults.

There is no training school for parents. You can't earn a Masters degree in parenting. It is basically on the job training and good parents rely on God's guidance, allowing love to be the motivator in their actions and words. But this does not mean their hearts are not often times overwhelmed and perplexed, knowing what you have to face every day and knowing the major influences out there. They love you. They want to see you succeed in the same way that God desires our success as his children.

So if you can find the maturity to love them and forgive them despite you disagreeing with them, it would go a long way in a smooth relationship with your parents. They aren't perfect. They will make mistakes but the core of their motivation is their love for you. It may look like a strange love at times but often they just don't know how to put it in words. They are perplexed. Make things a bit better for yourself by trusting their love, listening to their advice and honouring them through obedience. It will remove their perplexity and bring some peace to the relationship. When the waters are calm you can respectively explain your perspective on the matter. You will be amazed how much they will be willing to listen. After all, they love you.

A Mistake We Make In This Modern Age Of Parenting - We Forget What It Is To Be A Teen

This may seem a little off beat from my usual blog but a verse really grabbed me the other day as I was doing my daily reading. It struck me because in this modern age of communication we have greater access to people's thoughts and communications than at any other time in history. We get to hear things that in the past we would have no access too:

Do not pay attention to every word people say, 
   or you may hear your servant cursing you— 
for you know in your heart    that many times you yourself have cursed others. (Ecclesiastes 7:21-22)

When I read this I actually read it like:

"Do not pay attention to every word your children say,
or you may hear your children cursing you -
for you know in your heart
that many times you yourself have cursed your parents."

Think about that for a minute. When we were young our parents didn't have access to our FaceBook and they weren't able to check up on our histories to see our conversations. Imagine what may have resulted if they had heard some of the private conversation we had with our friends. We all have frustrating days, especially children who have to deal with the inconsistencies of their parents. As parents we try our best to be consistent but there are days when we are overwhelmed, distracted, stressed and we are less than our ideal desire as a parent. Our children don't have the maturity to understand this and or what we are dealing with. All they see is that last week we said that and now we are saying this.

You know our tendency to complain as adults but do you also remember that we were complainers as kids? Who did we complain to? Our friends of course. On the way to school, at school, on the way home, at the neighbourhood hang out, we voiced our complaints, opinions and desires about our parents. It was not always kind but it helped to vent our frustrations. But we didn't stay there in that place of immaturity; we grew up, matured and came to appreciate our parents for everything they did and put up with and we never stopped loving them, even in the midst of the complaints.

Fast forward to today, the age of social networking and parent policing. In our desire to protect our children from the evil that is in this world, from people who would want to harm them, we have access to the conversations they have with their friends. It is like our parents riding the school bus with us or listening in at the neighbourhood hang out. We have an unprecedented access to their complaints, opinions and thoughts which are sometimes about us. It is not abnormal the things that they say but we take it personally. All I can say is, imagine if our parents had heard us, yet we turned out to love and respect  our parents.

Children, teens, youth need to have some space to vent, even if they are off the wall wrong about what they are saying. I have made the mistake too many times to count, not understanding that fine line of protecting them from evil and allowing them some freedom to express their frustration. The only thing it accomplished was causing my children to take a step further away from me. Instead of looking at the natural need to vent frustration, I wanted to correct their perception. Not the wisest thing to do in the midst of venting. Now I hear Solomon's words:

Do not pay attention to every word people say, 
   or you may hear your servant cursing you— 
for you know in your heart 
   that many times you yourself have cursed others.

We still need access to their FaceBook and we still need to check their conversations but we need to apply a filter so we are only looking for the really dangerous stuff. We need to get a thick skin, filter out the complaints and venting with their friends and allow them that time of awkwardness while moving from child to adult. Some of the things they say may be unjustified and may even sting but remember what you said about your parents and let it go. If you have been training them in the way of the Lord it will all even out when they are adults.